The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind
Your toddler throws a tantrum in the middle of a store. Your preschooler refuses to get dressed. Your fifth-grader sulks on the bench instead of playing on the field. Do children conspire to make their parents’ lives endlessly challenging? No—it’s just their developing brain calling the shots!
In this pioneering, practical book, Daniel J. Siegel, neuropsychiatrist and author of the bestselling Mindsight, and parenting expert Tina Payne Bryson demystify the meltdowns and aggravation, explaining the new science of how a child’s brain is wired and how it matures. The “upstairs brain,” which makes decisions and balances emotions, is under construction until the mid-twenties. And especially in young children, the right brain and its emotions tend to rule over the logic of the left brain. No wonder kids can seem—and feel—so out of control. By applying these discoveries to everyday parenting, you can turn any outburst, argument, or fear into a chance to integrate your child’s brain and foster vital growth. Raise calmer, happier children using twelve key strategies, including
• Name It to Tame It: Corral raging right-brain behavior through left-brain storytelling, appealing to the left brain’s affinity for words and reasoning to calm emotional storms and bodily tension.
• Engage, Don’t Enrage: Keep your child thinking and listening, instead of purely reacting.
• Move It or Lose It: Use physical activities to shift your child’s emotional state.
• Let the Clouds of Emotion Roll By: Guide your children when they are stuck on a negative emotion, and help them understand that feelings come and go.
• SIFT: Help children pay attention to the Sensations, Images, Feelings, and Thoughts within them so that they can make better decisions and be more flexible.
• Connect Through Conflict: Use discord to encourage empathy and greater social success.
Complete with clear explanations, age-appropriate strategies for dealing with day-to-day struggles, and illustrations that will help you explain these concepts to your child, The Whole-Brain Child shows you how to cultivate healthy emotional and intellectual development so that your children can lead balanced, meaningful, and connected lives.
Chapter 4- I think a good summary of the first section is contained on page 70 “memory is all about linkages in the brain (as opposed to alphabetical files to be accessed whenever needed) and retrieved memories are by definition vulnerable to distortion (as opposed to being detail-for-detail accurate photocopies from your past”. I’ve often heard it said you can make yourself believe something happened if you tell yourself often enough that it did and this chapter seems to add scientific weight to this idea.
There are some good easy to follow examples to explain the theory in this chapter. For example, Tina’s conversation with her son which unravels the reasoning behind her son’s fear of starting up new swimming lessons (pages 73 -76). Also Dan’s informal research study which established that his newborn children showed recognition of music that was played/sung to them before they were born (page 71). Also David’s use of strategy number 6 Using remote of the mind: replaying memories to help his son understand and overcome his fear of sharp tools (pages 79-83).
I liked strategy number 7- remember to remember (pages 83-86). I will endeavour to allow time for my children to “tell and retell their own stories” (p83). I found it interesting that journaling “can improve immune and heart function as well as general well-being”(p84).
A nice quote for me is on page 86 “simply asking questions and encouraging recollection, you can help your kids remember and understand important events from the past, which will help them better understand what’s happening to them in the present”.
Finally I think the Whole-Brain Kids section pages 88-89 is very child friendly and one I will sit down with my 5 year old soon and my younger kids in the future when they are old enough to grasp the concept.
Ch 2
Just finished chapter 2 moving to chapter 3. I am a bit slow but decided to catch up with Marie, :).
I particularly liked the integration of the two sides of the brain (left and right) and how we, as parents, respond to our children’s needs using only one side of the brain.
I also found the approach Thomas’ mum took in the middle of the night inspiring. I think it is a very realistic example of how a parent reacts if the child wakes up in the middle of the night. And the parent’s reaction portrayed in the book makes so much sense leaving both parent and child on a positive note (the parent validating child’s feelings and after that finding a workable solution and on the other side the child feeling “felt” to use the author’s words).
Ch 3
I found the whole chapter inspiring; the comparison of the brain with a 2 level building with a downstairs and an upstairs makes so much sense. The examples portrayed in this chapter are so practical and useful for parents when dealing with challenging behaviour. I particularly liked the example of the couple in the restaurant with their son for 2 reasons. One is, of course, the way the mother chose the option of giving her son the time to reflect and come back with a “reason-able” solution for both sides (10 bites and then dessert); and the second for her thinking first (think before you act/re-act) realising what was really important and useful for her son; what she thought was the learning for her son from the situation regardless of what “the audience” might have thought or expected of her.
i think we (as parents) do re-act on a challenging behaviour, especially in public, to please “the audience”, to show others that we know how to educate our children according to the norms. we feel a pressure to educate them “right” but as shown in the book we always have alternative options that can satisfy both sides and leave both sides with a sense of positiveness at the end.
Ch 4
It was useful to find out how the memory works and how it can be triggered when you are not even aware of it. I also realised the implicit memories “cause us to form expectations about the way world works, based on our previous experiences”. “Because neurons that fire together, wire together”. and this explains how and why our children react unusually unreasonable sometimes. Again the examples in the chapter demonstrate practical ways to deal with these unusually unreasonable situations. I found many of the situations/issues illustrated here as mine as well. my son refused to go swimming after 3 years of being a very good swimmer. I tried various approaches but none worked fully (only partially) as my husband and I are still dealing with outbreaks of “don’t want to go swimming any more!!!” often. And I know there must be something there untold… but did not know how to deal with it. When this situation presents itself again I will attempt to deal with it from the implicit to explicit memory approach.
Thanks for starting the New Year discussion. Yes, the ‘wire together / fire together’ helps us to see there must be some reason for seemingly illogical behaviour. This entirely agrees with Koemba: ‘All behaviour has a cause and an intention.’
Chapter 5- I’ve finally gotten around to reviewing chapter 5. It’s interesting that one of the coaching pieces carried out during the last weekend on the course related to strategy 9 on page 107, before I had read this piece. My 4 year old daughter was having bad dreams and Hansi coached me on this challenge. My 5 year old son subsequently had a couple of nights with bad dreams. In both cases I got the kids to describe what was causing them to wake up scared. In my daughter’s case I got her to draw a picture as recommended by Val. Then we made the images into funny characters by adding funny faces, hats etc. Neither had a bad dream since. It just goes to show that these strategies work. The kids used what I now know is “mindsight” to take control of the scary images (strategy 9 p107).
I like the graphics of wheel of awareness on pages 94 and 95. The idea of the bicycle wheel is a simple image which could be easily understood by even young kids.
One very powerful concept that I’ll take from this chapter is on p 99 where it talks about the brain being plastic which means it changes based on what we experience. The scientific term is neuroplasticity. I love the idea that “practice can become a skill” and that “focused attention leads to the reshaping of the brain”. (p99). The idea that taxi drivers have enlarged spatial memories and violinists are greater developed in the part of the brain that operates the left hand is fascinating. I take this to mean that if we practice something often enough, like helpful parenting, it can become the norm in our lives.
I also like strategy number 8 -let the clouds of emotions roll by: teaching that feelings come and go (p103). Even the images of feelings, like clouds rolling by is very powerful. Feelings “are states, not traits”. “They are like the weather”. Following on from that, strategy 9 (p105-110) encourages us to take time to ask our kids how they feel and to help them to be specific as their vocabulary develops. I have started to do this and it’s amazing how kids engage when discussing feelings and when a feeling is explained to them. For instance on the day of my son’s school play where he had a line as one of the narrators, he said he had a pain in his tummy. I was able to explain to him that these were butterflies, perfectly normal before a performance and probably being experienced by every one of his classmates that morning. When he came off the stage after a great performance he told me the butterflies were gone!
The breathing exercises explained as part of strategy 10 (p110-113) particularly those directed to kids of my kids’ ages (p112) could be fun and beneficial. I can imagine my kids enjoying lying on the ground and watching a toy placed on their tummies rising and falling as they breathe and focus on their breath. Another exercise for me to try!
Hi Marie
Thank you for taking the time to write the reflective work you do. I love your statement: ‘If we practice something often enough, like helpful parenting, it can become the norm in our lives.’ It’s lovely to realize that we can burn new neural pathways! And I’m delighted to hear that this approach to scarey dreams works. Re the butterflies – this was obviously helpful. I’d suggest also giving the emotions word ‘Oh you have some anxiety butterflies in your tummy.’ This book is certainly a great complement to the course material.
Ch 5
I am on the same page with Marie when she says that she liked the “graphics of the wheel of awareness”. I thought that this entire chapter is yet another fascinating one and I like how the authors used another “simple to understand” comparison – bicycle wheel to awareness wheel referring to integrating the “many parts of the self”.
The wheel of awareness explains how we can unstuck from one point on the rim to giving attention to other points that are positive.
I also like the subchapter (pg 97) on distinguishing between “feel” and “am” and how children’s brain is not yet developed to differentiate and because of that they can identify only with one particular feeling.
I also agree with Marie on the explanation given in the book to “neuroplasticity” – neurons that “fire together wire together” and that we can help our children give attention to what they choose to pay attention to and by doing that in a repetitive way it can become a very powerful skill. We (as parents) can choose to learn our children how to “SIFT through all the sensations, images, feelings and thoughts that are affecting them”. I would like to pay a particular attention to feelings with my son (pg 108) and discuss them with him. And I am also looking forward to do the “Wheel of Awareness” with him.
I showed the picture with the river of well being to my son and after explaining what it was and what both “rigidity” and “chaos” meant, he agreed that it makes sense for day by day life, :).
Hi Anca
Yes I love the ‘wheel’ as well. Remind me on weekend to share a key example re this and ‘fire together / wire together.’
Chapter 1 –
Apologies for the delay in posting my thoughts, but here they are nonetheless. I want to start by just saying how valuable this book is – I wish every family/parent/carer in the world would read it because it is a wealth of knowledge, as well as an easy read.
My response to eea woo story:
It’s really remarkable how such a young person can use what we’d consider ‘simple’language to share big feelings. It really changed my perspective on how it’s important to recap something over and over until the fear is not there. It reminds me of many situations where i see families breeze over ‘difficult’ memories to ease the pain of others when in fact, it wants to be talked about. I’ve seen it mostly with fathers, who seems to work against any notion of displaying emotions (particularly with their sons) and don’t allow the essential process of talking out something. It also reminds me even of myself and how as a woman, especially, I tend to replay/dwell on a huge problem over and over and it isn’t until i’m heard and it’s told that it starts to ebb away a little. it’s such an easy solution that so few use, and it’s a very powerful story that is easily remembered.
Other key points:
I definitely find that I sway back and forth between chaos and rigidity in my own life and can easily sense it in others as well. I think the key for me as a childcarer (and even taking care in my own life situations) is to name and be aware of what’s happening and use resources/tools to bring myself/others to the middle-ground (the stream) where there is balance again. It’s a tough one but once you’ve experienced that balance, you know how great it feels and that it’s worth working towards in the midst of unbalanced situations and conflicts. I found the section on integration and the neuroscience of the brain to be so fascinating. What an incredible thought that our brains are mouldable/plastic and are changing our whole lives! I find this exciting because so many people believe they are not capable of change, and this just proves that challenges are less impossible than we may believe. But what a daunting idea that children change so much in such a short period of time – it makes the pressure of parenting so much bigger, but, if the awareness that is brought up in this book was known to all families, imagine the difference we could see in future generations.
Chapter 2:
Re: in what way is right brain dominancy helpful for parents of young children (particularly the non-verbal needs and verbal connection):
It helps us as adults be in touch and not be afraid to use emotions and other feelings to understand children. It builds a bond between people as it also has to do with relational feelings, therefore possibly helping us with relations in our adult lives as well. It could be particularly helpful for someone who is dominantly left-brained and has never fully tapped into this.
Thoughts on chapter:
I laughed when I read the description of the left-brainers because I’m obsessed with planning, list-making and making sense of things/questions. But I also consider myself to be quite relational and in touch with feelings so it was reassuring for me to know how to properly connect with a child in a way that is appropriate with them – to know how to ‘connect and redirect’ is an exciting solution because everytime I try it in that order with children (and even some adults, especially women!), it tends to have a more productive effect. I also really enjoyed reading about how storytelling is important and how it impacts young children.
Hi Hansi Great to have you joining in the conversation. Love your comment: ‘…if the awareness that is brought up in this book was known to all families, imagine the difference we could see in future generations.’ To me that’s what Parent Coaching can achieve.
Chapter 3:
I found this chapter to have some fascinating insight/imagery into tantrums – it creates a helpful
visual of what’s happening during these times, and how/why simple tools like refocus, engaging, giving choices and asking questions can be so effective. I’ve been dealing with tantrums for years and find that redirection is often one of the best things a parent can do. This chapter gave me a clearer picture of what happens behind
the scenes and reaffirms this practice, which I find encouraging. I’ll often see a young child using physical
activity to cope with stress or frustration – the young boy I look after has a ‘deal’ with me where he can jump on the bed for a certain period of time each time we change an item of clothing in the morning. Or when he’s disappointed that he can’t stand and watch the diggers outside anymore, I’ll initiate a race with him and all
seems fine again.
I could really relate to the portion about ‘Integrating Ourselves’ because there are so many moments where as a parent/carer, it’s easy to flip our own lids. Last week my little boy ran away from me in a parking lot right in front of a moving car and he thought it was hilarious, like a game, even though I was shouting for him to stop (not to mention that we’ve had numerous talks about keeping safe in parking lots). It was the first time he had done it, and it scared me to death. But once I knew he was safe and had control of him again, all I wanted to scream at him was, “Are you stupid?!” (just like the parent on pg 64) Redirecting my thoughts and focusing on the positive part of everything (his safety, enjoying the rest of the outing) help me integrate myself. This chapter was brilliant for understanding the workings of young minds and our own.
Chapter 4 –
I imagine you would have respected the child’s idea of saying the word ‘Kill’, and not suggested anything else at all, as this is the language he chose to use. By making the suggestion, it might not allow the child to feel free to express themselves as wholly as they’d like in the future, which I’d try and be wary of. It’s
like asking a child to paint a picture of anything they want at, all by themselves, and just as they’ve finished, you take over the paintbrush and turn it into a picture of your choosing.
I could relate to many points in this chapter – memory/associations (my little boy associates raisins with going on walks) and implicit/explicit memory (I’ve seen many times where a child will shrink away from an activity after one bad experience with it, but yet won’t immediately recall why they don’t like it anymore).
This chapter helped me to understand the importance of taking a child’s outbursts more seriously, and to probe reactions, as well as using the HALT method which is such a great, simple tool!
I really loved the story about the ‘internal dvd’ and how the father paused and replayed a difficult story with his son and went over it and over it again until it brought it to the surface.
I’ll also often use the ‘remember to remember’ tool with children when asking about their weekend or home life, as closed questions never give any information! I can recall my own parents doing this during my childhood and how my responses would vary between how the question was asked, and the context. I think it’s a brilliant
thing to do during meal times (at a table) or during a task/activity alongside a child, as it generally brings about a more helpful response. The idea one parent used of having her child tell her 1 true thing and 1 false thing that happened that day was a fun, creative example of engaging the child more and also connecting.
Hi Hansi
Thanks for your hard work catching up! You got my thoughts exactly re the child using the words’ kill the butterflies’.
CHAPTER 6: THERE IS SO MUCH IN THIS CHAPTER THAT I’M GOING TO FOCUS ON ONLY UP TO P 133 & LEAVE THE SECOND HALF TILL LATER IN THE WEEK. REALLY LOVELY STUFF TO FOCUS ON HERE! I WAS AWARE OF HOW HIS COMMENT IN MID P. 121 RE: /WE’ /’ME’ TIED IN WITH THE KOEMBA AUTONOMY / CONNECTION SEE-SAW. WHAT WAS A KEY INSIGHT / QUOTE FOR YOU? PLEASE SHARE EXPERIENCES OF ‘INCREASING THE FAMILY FUN FACTOR’.
Ch 6
I agree that there is so much in this chapter to reflect on, to take on, to pass on to other parents.
The first half of the chapter focuses on creating positive mental models for children. I particularly like the title on pg 129 – “cultivating a “yes” state of mind”; cultivating positive thinking in our children, especially when forming, developing and nurturing relationships in their life. I liked the example the author used with many of the families he worked with – the repetition of “no” and then “yes” in various tones. I did the exercise with my eyes closed and I was able to experience how uncomfortable “no” was and how my breathing increased. when I stated “yes” I felt calm and happy.
At some point in my life as a mum I wondered how can I build my son’s social skills? where do I start? what could I focus on? How do I make him understand the importance of this in his entire life?
Well, this chapter in the book covers all of these. I think it is important to know as parents that “the kind of relationship you provide for your children will affect generations to come”.
Things like modeling good relationships, showing our support and comfort and love everytime we get the opportunity (if we don’t get the opportunity, “make” the opportunity!), having powerful, open conversations with our children, spend quality time with them lay the foundations of a healthy, “integrated” person.
Thanks for thoughtful response Anca – what we model is huge. I was also intrigued with that simple ‘yes’/ ‘no’ excercise. I have read before that ‘no’ to the brain is like the brake in the car – essential! (we need accelerator & brake!) When my grandaughter was little her mummy would say ‘no’ as she moved towards something out of bounds & then say ‘yes’ encouragingly when she looked back to her mum – postively refocusing her attention
In Chapter 6 I like the synopsis on page 120 where it says that “while it’s important to trust the process, (I take this to mean natural physical and brain development over time) we can still “steer” our children so that they are “capable of participating in relationships and considering the feelings of others”. I see us parents as guiding lights, directing our children as they embark on their journey in life. As Siegel and Payne say on page 121 “helping children become a participating member of a “we” while not losing touch with individual “me” is a tall order for any parent”. I see the importance of helping develop emotional intelligence in our children here. Siegel and Payne state Insight + Empathy = Mindsight and I think this ties in nicely with emotional intelligence. A simple but effective quote is on page 122 “the “me” discovers meaning and happiness by joining and belonging to a “we” “.
Another good quote is on page 131 where it states that “to become part of a well-functioning “we”, a person needs also to remain an individual “me”. As parents we need to reinforce each child’s individuality and uniqueness and we cannot do this often enough in my opinion.
I love the idea that the brain is “a social organ” (p 124). The concept of “mirror neurons” and “sponge neurons” on page 124 are also interesting and ones I think most of us can relate to.
I experienced an “aha” moment when reading the second paragraph on page 125. It talks about the fact that our brain is reshaped after every conversation, discussion, encounter etc we have. I certainly felt that my brain had been reshaped following the creativity exercise we did last Saturday where we had to draw a picture with our non dominant hand of a happy memory from our childhood. During the feedback session I couldn’t find the words to describe how I felt. I now think that what happened to me was that my brain was reshaped as a result. Since then I have felt lighter (not on the scales!) and more alive. Thanks for that Val.
I agree with Anca that we have a big responsibility to get things right for our kids because by doing so we are influencing future generations. While this is obvious, it hadn’t actually occurred to me before reading this chapter. No pressure then!
I like the idea of offering experiences that lead to connection (pages 127-128). I was an extremely shy child and my daughter appeared to be turning out like me so shyness could be genetic. However we continually introduced her to new experiences and now she is the first to get up to sing when we have a family gathering and always wants to know where we are going next and who we are going to see today.
Like Anca and Val, I also liked the no/yes exercise on page 129. The glass is half full attitude is one I’d like to instil in my three kids.
I love the “playful parenting” concept on pages 131-134. I practice this regularly because I love seeing my kids faces light up when I start dancing around the kitchen or tickling them or making up silly songs. Humour can really diffuse what could otherwise turn out to be a “survive” moment. Humour can turn such moments into “thrive” moments. The other day I could see that Tom (aged 5) was starting to flip his lid. He said crossly ” you think you are the queen mammy” meaning I was asking him to do something he didn’t want to do. I stayed calm and gently said “yes Tom, I am the queen and you are my handsome prince”. He smiled in spite of himself and the moment passed.
hi Marie
Thanks for all the thoughtful discussion – and I love your final example of using humour in a respectful way to defuse a situation. Put a smile on m face! : )