The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind
Your toddler throws a tantrum in the middle of a store. Your preschooler refuses to get dressed. Your fifth-grader sulks on the bench instead of playing on the field. Do children conspire to make their parents’ lives endlessly challenging? No—it’s just their developing brain calling the shots!
In this pioneering, practical book, Daniel J. Siegel, neuropsychiatrist and author of the bestselling Mindsight, and parenting expert Tina Payne Bryson demystify the meltdowns and aggravation, explaining the new science of how a child’s brain is wired and how it matures. The “upstairs brain,” which makes decisions and balances emotions, is under construction until the mid-twenties. And especially in young children, the right brain and its emotions tend to rule over the logic of the left brain. No wonder kids can seem—and feel—so out of control. By applying these discoveries to everyday parenting, you can turn any outburst, argument, or fear into a chance to integrate your child’s brain and foster vital growth. Raise calmer, happier children using twelve key strategies, including
• Name It to Tame It: Corral raging right-brain behavior through left-brain storytelling, appealing to the left brain’s affinity for words and reasoning to calm emotional storms and bodily tension.
• Engage, Don’t Enrage: Keep your child thinking and listening, instead of purely reacting.
• Move It or Lose It: Use physical activities to shift your child’s emotional state.
• Let the Clouds of Emotion Roll By: Guide your children when they are stuck on a negative emotion, and help them understand that feelings come and go.
• SIFT: Help children pay attention to the Sensations, Images, Feelings, and Thoughts within them so that they can make better decisions and be more flexible.
• Connect Through Conflict: Use discord to encourage empathy and greater social success.
Complete with clear explanations, age-appropriate strategies for dealing with day-to-day struggles, and illustrations that will help you explain these concepts to your child, The Whole-Brain Child shows you how to cultivate healthy emotional and intellectual development so that your children can lead balanced, meaningful, and connected lives.
CHAPTER 6 CONT. P. 135 SOME POSSIBLE ANGLES TO EXPLORE:
A. I LOVE THE TITLE OF STRATEGY 12 – WHAT DID IT SAY TO YOU?
B. RELATIONSHIP THEORY USES A PHRASE: ‘ALL CONFLICT IS AN OPPORTUNITY FOR GROWTH’ – HOW DOES THAT RESONATE WITH THIS SECTION?
C. WHAT IS A FAVOURITE QUOTE / KEY INSIGHT FOR YOU?
D. WHAT DOES ‘CONNECT FIRST/ THEN REDIRECT’ MEAN FOR YOU? ANY EXAMPLES?
E. P. 137 ‘LISTEN TO WHAT’S NOT BEING SAID.’ – ANOTHER TOOL FOR THE COACHING TOOLBAG! I INVITE YOU TO BE AWARE OF OBSERVING FOR THIS. ANY EXAMPLES OF HELPING CHILDREN DEVELOP THIS AWARENESS?
F. ANY COMMENT RE THE COLIN / LOGAN STORY? (P. 139)
G. (WE NEED TO HELP CHILDREN TO NOT ONLY HAVE AWARENESS OF THE OTHER’S EMOTION BUT TO TRY TO UNDERTAND WHAT THAT EMOTION IS ‘SAYING’ – I THINK IT HELPS FOR CHILDREN TO KNOW THAT ANGER IS A SIGNAL FOR NEEDING CHANGE.
AS THIS IS ALREADY A LOT, I AM GOING TO PUT THE FINAL PAGES OF THIS CHAPTER (P141 ONWARD, INTO SEPARATE COMMENT BOX)
P.141 TO END OF CHAPTER:
THIS SECTION IS POWERFUL! I SUGGEST WE DISCUSS IT IN NEXT SESSION – BUT PLEASE COMMENT / ASK QUESTIONS IN THE INTERIM.
Ch 6 – pg. 135 – 140
I also liked the title of strategy no 12: “Teach kids to argue with a “we” in Mind” because when the lid is flipped “we” is thrown out of the window!
What I found interesting in this strategy was that even or I should say “especially” in times of conflict the real learning takes place. it is then when our children form their base of dealing with conflict and I see how important the role of “coaching” parent plays in helping the child to respond in a healthy and individual way.
I also found the examples in page 138 – “repair: teach kids to make things right after a conflict” very useful in my parenting. I remember that one day my son came from school one very upset that he broke a little hand made vase which belonged to another boy in the class. he explained to me that they were both messing and by accident the vase was broken. He apologized to his classmate and forgiven but my son expressed his sorrow at what more he could have done to replace the vase that was done in the class with the rest of the kids. I didn’t know my self but after reading these pages I realised that he could have offered to help the child rebuild his vase or offering other supports in class. I thought that was a wonderful way to say you were sorry…. a wonderful way to connect, to nourish the relationship.
Favourite part in this chapter has to be the practical example on pgs 141-142; the explanation about mindsight to our children. I will share it with my son. I think it is very powerful and helps the child to form a “We” perspective in whatever relationship she might have.
Chapter 6 p135 – to me the title of strategy 12 “teach kids to argue with a ‘we’ in mind” encompasses ultimately what allows for healthy relationships at all stages of life. It underlies what emotional intelligence is about. It ties in nicely with what John Gottman says in his book The Heart of Parenting that people who are emotionally intelligent have developed ‘a kind of “IQ” that is about people and the world of feelings’. (I am currently reading this book and would highly recommend it). I believe that in order to understand the ‘we’ we have to first understand the ‘me’. Therefore getting to the stage of understanding ‘we’ is a huge step on the journey of growth for any individual, be it child, teenager or adult.
The example on page 136 is a very real one for me. I am constantly being told “mam, she hit me” or “he won’t let me have such and such a toy”. As recently as earlier this week, Anna (aged 4) came to me saying “Tom hit me”. Instead of me telling Tom (aged 5) off, I asked Anna why she thought he had done that. She paused and then said that maybe it was because she had taken one of the toys he was playing with. I then asked how she thought Tom felt when she did that and she answered “cross”. I then asked Tom if he could have handled his anger differently and he admitted he shouldn’t have hit her. With a little bit of coaching from me he decided that he would ask Anna to play with him and harmony was restored. Ultimately this particular conflict episode turned into an opportunity for growth for both kids and also for me as a parent.
I really like the idea that ” discipline really means to teach, not to punish” p139. In the Colin and Logan story my favourite quote is on page 139 “simply getting Colin to actually see Logan’s perspective would be a pretty big breakthrough with long-lasting benefits. A mere time out might or might not teach Colin not to remove his brother’s things without permission, but it wouldn’t generalise into a mind sight skill”. Further down page 139 is powerful image ” the key is opening up mindsight’s lens to make the perception of each boy’s inner world available for inspection”.
On page 140 mindsight is described as the “basis of both social and emotional intelligence. It allows children to learn that they are part of a larger world of relationships where feelings matter and connections are a source of reward, meaning and fun”. To me this is a good explanation of “we”.
Chapter 6 I plan on showing the section for kids on pages 141 and 142 to Tom (5) (and possibly Anna (4)) and I’ll report back when I’ve done that. It will be interesting to see how Anca’s son takes those ideas also as he is older than Tom.
The section on integrating ourselves: making sense of our own stories, makes interesting reading and I agree with Val that it would be useful to discuss as a group when we next meet. I suppose the older we become the easier it is to develop our life narrative. Sometimes it is only when we become parents ourselves that we can begin to understand our parents’ reasonings and approaches when rearing us. I believe that while we plan not to make the ‘mistakes’ our parents made, we just go ahead and make different ones!
CONCLUSION: CAN YOU BELIEVE WE’RE HERE! PLEASE READ THIS SECTION AND ALSO THE ‘REFRIGERATOR’ SHEET. (WE’LL LOOK AT DEVELOPMENTAL STAGES NEXT WEEK). THANK YOU FOR GREAT DISCUSSION – MUCH REFLECTIVE THOUGHT AND LOVELY EXAMPLES SHARED. (I FEL PRIVILEGED TO HAVE READ YOUR COMMENTS THANK YOU). ANY FINAL COMMENTS/ FAVOURITE QUOTES?
Conclusion: some of my favourite quotes are as follows:
“intention and attention are our goals, not some rigid, harsh expectation of perfection”(p148);
“and yes, sometimes it’s even okay to let a teachable moment go by”(p149);
“they (our children) can captain the ships of their lives, more easily avoiding the banks of chaos and rigidity, and more often remaining in the harmonious flow of well being”(p147). This last quote brings us nicely back to the powerful image on page 12 and ultimately sums up what I wish for my children.
The conclusion “brings it all together” by summarizing the essence of the book which is – “intention” and “attention” to whole brain strategies will support parents and children “thrive”.
I like the quote at pg 149 – “your job (re: as parent) is to be present with your children and connect with them through the ups and downs of life’s journey.”
The book opened up a lot of useful, helpful avenues for us as parents. Like Marie likes to say – another tool for our tool box, :).
WELL DONE LADIES WE’VE DONE IT! BUT THE APPENDICES ARE WORTH EXAMINING. I SUGGEST LET’S TAKE ONE STAGE AT A TIME AND REFLECT. P 154- 155 IF YOU CAN, PLS TRY OUT SOME OF THESE SUGGESTIONS & GIVE FEEDBACK. I CAN SEE HOW RE-VU WILL FIT HERE . RE THE STORY-TELLING I RECOMMEND USING DOLLS & PROPS AS WE DID IN THE TRAINING.
Pages 154 – 156
Wholebrain strategy number 7:Remember to remember – before we go somewhere, like to a cousin’s birthday party, I tell my son who we will see there and what we’ll do e.g. sing happy birthday, blow out the candles, eat cake etc. Then at bedtime after we get home I retell the story of what we did that day. Even though my 21 month old cannot talk yet, I can see his brain taking it all in and he does actions which shows he understands e.g blowing out candles and putting hands in the air for hip hip hooray! He also loves looking at photos of his cousins and can point all 10 out when asked where so and so is. The next step is to get him to name them.
THX FOR FEEDBACK MARIE. I SUGGEST WE NOW PROCEED WITH READING / REFLECTING ON THE PRESCHOOL SECTION (P157 – 160) BUT PLEASE DO ALL SHARE OTHER EXAMPLES THAT CROP UP RE YOUNGER CHILDREN. RE ‘WHAT WOULD YOU DO?’ – I USED TO STOP STORYBOOK AT CRITICAL POINT & ASK CHILDREN ‘WHAT WOULD YOU DO?’ BEFORE WE MOVED ON TO DISCOVER THE STORY’S RESOLUTION. ALSO ‘MOVE IT / LOSE IT’ CAN BE HELPFUL AT ANY AGE . RE STRATEGY 8: I’D LIKE TO ADD ‘SHYNESS’ IN HERE TOO. & 9 : PLEASE TRY TO RECORD ANY HELPFUL QUESTIONS YOU USED THAT DEVELOPED ‘SIFT’.
Pages 157-161 preschooler(3-6)
Number 2 Name it to tame it- I find that my 4 year old daughter is now able to tell her stories when she is upset. My 5 year old has been able to do this for a while. I find it’s often at bedtime that these stories come to the fore.
Number 5 Move it or lose it – I find this technique works very well with my 4 year old daughter and also my 22 month old son. They both love dancing and tickles and love helping me in the kitchen.
No. 8 let clouds of emotion roll by – just today I used FLAC with my 5 year old son. I won’t go into the detail but when he realised he had made a poor choice he asked if he could change it but was told he had to stick with it. I asked how he was feeling and then explained about the clouds of emotion and told him that these feelings of sadness and disappointment would soon pass and were only temporary. We then had a look at the Whole-Brain Child book together and he was interested in the kids’ sections of the book. I had been meaning to show him the section on mindsight (page 141) for a while. He got it straight away and was really interested in the fact that he could try to look into other peoples’ mind to see how they are feeling. We also revisited the picture of the river of well being on page 12. When he was going to bed later I asked if the cloud had passed and he said there was a rainbow there now. I thought this was a lovely image and I feel this has been one of my better days on my parenting journey.
Chapter 5:
I love the hub drawing – it reminds me of a phrase my Dad will tell me when I get ‘stuck’ on a problem: “Change the channel!” And when I’d actually listen to him, it would work quite well. So, looking at this hub/wheel drawing, it reminds me of my Dad’s valuable advice and I think there’s even therapeutic value in seeing it laid out before you in a picture, such as that. You’re ‘naming’ the different areas on your mind, sort of like making a mental checklist of everything that needs attention/acknowledgement but yet you’re reminding yourself that YOU make up the wheel and that you can return to the hub and decide what to focus on.
There was so much to digest from this chapter – I was really impacted by the value of looking at situations/feelings through the wider perspective (using Mindsight) as opposed to getting stuck on one thing or using a Band-Aid method (which was often illustrated in the examples given). I loved the illustration about teaching children that feelings come and go (pg 104). I’ve seen so many children get horrendously upset over things we’d consider quite small, as if their world was quite literally being torn apart over the loss of a toy or treat, and I would imagine it’s because they are still learning to widen their perspective and that they desperately need us to come along side them and talk them through their feelings. I also found the SIFT game (pg 110) very useful and think it could prove to be a useful tool in many circumstances, as well as potentially entertaining for the adult! I’m constantly amazed at how children can tune into the smallest details that grown-ups fail to notice on a day to day basis, and perhaps we can learn something from them in the process of doing this exercise with them. Finally, I also really agreed with the method used on pg 107 (using mindsight to take control of images). I love that it could help build useful tools for children as they get older and they could then use self-talk to “direct their attention away from rim points that are limiting them” (pg 109). Lots of great strategies in this chapter!
Chapter 6 (up to pg 133)
Not to sound uncouth by phrasing it this way, but I found reading about mirror neurons to be totally cool! (pg 123, 124) What an amazing example of how intelligently we’re designed as human beings. And not just that, but that we’re “biologically equipped to be in relationships” (pg 125) Fascinating stuff. I was also struck by the quotes from pgs 126 & 127 about how “the brain uses repeated experiences or associations to predict what to expect” and how distant/critical people can influence a child’s expectations within relationships. Scarier still, when it goes on to mention that “the kind of relationships you provide for your children will affect generations to come.” It’s scary because there’s so much truth to it – I have often seen in generations of families I’ve worked with in disadvantaged communities, where unhelpful parenting strategies for multiple generations have impacted how many of them operate/view relationships and how they feel/think. But on a positive note, with this knowledge of Mindsight and spreading awareness, imagine the positive impact it could indeed have within each family if it were applied?
Pg 129 – The Yes/No exercise was very interesting. I tried this out myself as well and could feel the physical/emotional difference in each response. Generally I try and limit my ‘no’s’ when working with children unless it’s quite serious because I’ve found they learn to tune you out after constant ‘no’s’, and try and find different ways of saying it but using an authoritative tone – ‘Please don’t spit on the table’, ‘Conor, stop bashing your toy’, ‘That’s enough water in the sink’. I generally get a more ‘receptive’ response in these cases, rather than him just shutting down and ignoring me. However, there’s still plenty of opportunities where it’s necessary to stay ‘no’ and quite firmly, but they seem to be taken more seriously as a result. I agree with their statement on pg 130 about how it’s “extremely helpful to decipher whether they’re in a reactive or receptive state of mind.” And I also found their reminder on pg 131 useful as well, stating: “To become part of a well-functioning ‘we’, a person needs also to remain an individual ‘me.’ “
Brilliant image of the ‘dopamine squirts’ (pg 132) when talking about family fun. One of the most rewarding experiences you can have with a child, who will usually bond with you immediately as a result, is playing with them with no distractions. When I was a child, I loved putting on skits for my parents (Star Wars was a favourite; they enjoyed my Darth Vader impression!) and I’ll never forget how much I valued their participation and full attention. Another favourite memory is with my Dad in church. I would sometimes stay behind during the full sermon (probably around age 8 or so) and would pass notes to my Dad and he’d often write something funny back or start a game of hang-man with me. He didn’t always do this with me but it showed me that he had time for me as well as to be silly with me even in ‘grown-up’ situations. It’s amazing because even just remembering that brings back those same loved/pleasurable feelings I felt back then.
HI MARIE & HANSI
THXS FOR THE CONTRIBUTIONS. SO MUCH TO DIGEST IN THIS BOOK! ONE FURTHER COMMENT I WOULD HAVE RE ‘USING MINDSIGHT TO TAKE CONTROL OF IMAGES’, P. 107, 9 (CHAPTER 5) I WOULD RATHER ASK THE CHILD TO IMAGINE WE HAD A WHOLE CHEST FULL OF DRESS -UP CLOTHES AND HE COULD CHOOSE WHATEVER HE WANTED TO DRESS UP THE ‘SCARY MUMMY’. ALSO, I THINK “To become part of a well-functioning ‘we’, a person needs also to remain an individual ‘me.’(CHAPTER 6 P. 13 TIES IN SO WELL WITH THE KOEMBA ‘SEE-SAW’ DIAGRAM, OF NEEDING BOTH OUR AUTONOMY AND ALSO CONNECTION. LOOKING FORWARD TO CHATTING ABOUT THIS!
P 161 – 164 (EARLY SCHOOL AGE. SECOND LAST SECTION!) LOVE THE EXPRESSION ‘ENGAGE, DON’T ENRAGE’. WHAT’S A FAVOURITE QUOTE / INSIGHT IN THIS SECTION FOR YOU? I LIKE THE ‘FEELING SCARED’ VERSUS ‘AM SCARED’ DISTINCTION (AT THIS STAGE) P.164 & ALSO STRATEGY 12 RE CONFLICT . ANY PARTICULAR AWARENESSES / STRATEGIES / CHALLENGES THAT IMPACT YOU IN THIS SECTION?
Pg 135-141: Is it possible that sometimes children use/create conflicts because they’re in need of connection? Similar to the idea of attention-getting behaviour from children who are often ignored by Parents? That was the first idea that came to my mind when I read the title, and it just says to me that it makes it an even more valuable opportunity to use it to connect and try and understand what’s happening in children’s minds.
I really liked the section on pg 137 about listening to what’s not being said (the nonverbal communication) and tips on how to teach that to children. Kids can be so literal about things that this seems to be sidestepped alot in teaching them about feelings and getting along with others. I also really liked the reminder on pg 139 (re the Colin/Logan story) about how the word ‘discipline’ means ‘to teach’ and not ‘to punish’, and how pointing out the emotions/actions of the hurt brother was likely far more effective than just giving him a time-out (what would that teach him??) I agreed with the statement that this scenario could teach them both alot about relationships and developing Mindsight. I really liked Val’s comment on how ‘anger is a signal for needing change’ and is something I took onboard even for myself. If I start feeling angry over a situation, instead of just complaining about it I’ve started asking myself ‘OK, what needs to change here and how can I do it?’
The section on pgs 143-144 on Integrating Ourselves was great to read. I know a couple of different adult males who had very sad upbringings and absent fathers. Both of these men were determined to be different from the fathers’ that they had, but also were aware enough to make sense of their own feelings surrounding those broken relationships. Because of their own developed Mindsight I suppose, they were both able to become loving, attentive fathers and have been able to break the cycle of negative parenting. I think that section could be a huge encouragement to anyone who would feel afraid of becoming a parent due to their disappointing childhood.
Conclusion:
I think a key quote for me was on pg 148 saying that “even mistakes are opportunities to grow and learn” which I found encouraging. And even the idea that you can make a child’s life happier and healthier “by paying attention during the everyday, ordinary experiences you share with them”. These are both such positive, concluding statements that really help you feel like you very possibly could handle the responsibility and pressures of Parenting; assuring you that no one is perfect but that we can reframe how we look at conflict and challenges and using them for growth and connection.
Pgs 154-157
I’d have the most examples from this 0-3 yrs section than any of the others. There are daily opportunities for me to use the ‘Connect, then redirect’ example. The most regular example is when the Parent comes home at the end of the day and we have a handover. Immediately, the boy I care for will go into ‘look at me!’ mode either by throwing toys, pulling on daddy or doing something that he knows will land him in the ‘bold corner.’ Together with his parents, we’ve always opted to acknowledge whatever’s happening, ideally with eye contact and coming to his level (“We know you want our attention right now”), briefly explaining that we’re finishing our conversation and then will redirect him to a topic that will switch gears a bit (“Tell Daddy about the crane you saw outside today”). It’s more successful than just simply ignoring the behaviour and also seems to help him feel included, but also teaching him about waiting his turn.
I’ll often implement ‘engage, don’t enrage’ by saving my no’s as well, and instead will offer alternatives or will ask him to come up with some himself. For a young boy who often loves to bash, dig, run and burn off energy, I’ve had to find creative ways of saying ‘no’ and including him in the process. When he comes up with a more constructive solution, I’ll thank him and say that it’s ‘more helpful’ that way.
He’s included in decision making (#4) such as snacks, clothing items, where we go on our walks, what games to play next etc and will try and ask simple questions about things. Funnily enough, he’s usually the one asking the questions anyway, even when he knows the answer.
At the end of the day, I’ll write a report for his parents and have started including Conor in it as well, using it as a tool to ‘remember to remember’ about the day and what we did, his favourite parts etc.
Just a final note: I don’t have any recent experiences to share for the age 3+ yet but I do love the ‘cheat sheet’ they give in the back. It’s an excellent summary of everything and shows you that the seeds you can plant from an early age (0-3) can be built upon over time and throughout the school years. By then, it really could be like second nature, which is brilliant. I look forward to practicing these in the future!